Death is the road to awe

It takes a lot to always be on form.

Some days are a much more difficult struggle than others, if for no other reason that human beings are programmed to over-complicate things as much as possible. Ok, fine, there may be no scientific evidence to support that claim, but there are very few people in this world who are so self-aware that they are able to see objectively, then be able to feel proper emotions. I know of one, and only one person who is capable of this. And I envy them for it.

At this moment, I'm currently experiencing 2 different types of stimuli, with 2 more ideas which have been birthed from them. Clint Mansell's composition of Death is the road to Awe, which is featured in the film The Fountain, as well as the joyous celebration of the nation of Chile, as the 33rd (and final) miner has been rescued from the collapsed mineshaft by rescue workers. Combine these three elements, and my mind immediately takes itself to Plato's Cave.

Over the course of the last few months since my decision to create an environment which I can learn, I have becoming increasingly aware of the (figuratively speaking) bondage I had put myself into. It was not safe, nor was it pleasant. I became a yes man. Somebody who let the weight of my own displeasure in myself to keep me in place, staring complacently into the darkness, blind to a world around me. I knew the way this world should taste, react and feel; but I placed my own blinders, in an attempt to find solace within a cave. This cave was built by my hands.

As I released myself from my own self-deceit and turned towards the flame, there were no more objects. Those shadows, which once held me transfixed to the ground beneath, are now becoming nothing more than memories to be cherished as something experienced and learned from. I took a tiny step forward towards this new sense of self (consider this: I have been intimately involved with somebody since 2003. Nearly 7 years of co-dependence, through what many consider are meant to be 'growing years'), and found myself able to quickly comprehend these new terms. What can I say, I'm resilient.

The allegory of the cave is one of the few philosophical teachings that has stuck with me from the light dabbling I did in college. There is something incredibly powerful about the need to educate ones self on constantly evolving terms. However, for myself, I've always experienced one deeper emotion within Plato's cave...the depressing effect on the realization that the world you once knew is no longer yours. Where others ignore it, I allow part of myself to 'die', in order to feel the pain of my ignorance to something more. In a sense, I let myself down as a reminder that I should have known better or worse. Thats what drives me to educate myself; my self-inflicted depressions need to end.

Death is the road to awe and wonderment. You must let the unfavorable fabrics of yourself die in order to experience rebirth, no matter how hard it may be to realize this. Today, I had to allow a large piece of me die. The part that says, "What if I've turned my back on something great?" But what kind of a person would I be if I found comfort in the arms of what is familiar?

So I took the darker road. The road which leads away from anything I know. I'm not alone on this journey up the slope and into the sunlight, of this I am aware. I've been genuinely moved by somebody into this journey. In the limited time I spent with this person, i've become stronger, more aware, and ready to continue onward with myself. I was thanked for being an adult. Very few things have resonated so loudly in my head. It means a lot of things, including the idea that I'm doing the right thing, regardless of the sting that came from the past, present, and unknown future. Repercussions are a mother fucker though.

Today, I let part of myself die. Death is the road to awe.

Write Time: 47 minutes.